Office drone killed by brainwave


Staff in a central London office building were left covered in gore this afternoon when their colleague’s head exploded after she experienced a brainwave.

Gemma Tartt, 28, from Camden Town, died instantly from spontaneous cranial rupture as she sat in Conference Room 2 at the regional headquarters of Paperpushers Inc.

Witnesses say that just before the incident happened, a strange light was seen in her eyes, she went unusually quiet for a few seconds and was pointing up in the air with one finger. Her last words were “Hey, what if we…”

Her teammates say they often feared what would happen if Tartt ever had an original idea.

Rosie Pratt, who was Tartt’s desk neighbour for two years, said, “We all thought the strain of  thinking might prove too much for her.

“But nobody had ever heard Gemma say anything that was even remotely interesting, so I guess we all just became complacent.”

Management say, in light of this tragic incident, brainstorming sessions have been suspended until further notice.

Stephen Dullard, Tartt’s line manager, told reporters that Tartt’s absence would certainly be felt by everybody in the building.

“Even when she just took a week’s holiday, the noise level was considerably reduced and production levels noticeably higher.”

Pratt said Tartt’s loss was a bitter blow to the team. “Without her constant stream of gossip, people may fill the void by talking about work. Once we start discussing work, it’s inevitable that we will start to streamline processes.

“Then management will realize how half the people could do the same volume of work if only employees knew what was required of them.

“And nobody else on the team is as capable as Gemma at creating antagonism within the team and between departments. I never saw anybody spread a lie or a rumour with the speed of that little so-and-so.”

Paperpusher staff continue to deny that a leaked internal email inviting people to a ‘Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead’ party in a local pub, circulated throughout the company just hours after the incident, bears any relation to the demise of Tartt.


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